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Hunter
"Gone Hunting"
Ok.....this is one only mastiff people could relate to.
I want to start showing Olivia's brother, Hunter. So I meet his parents at
a handling class near them a couple of nights ago. As his dad cheerfully
waved goodbye ......I gulped and wondered what the hell I was thinking.
Hunter is 15 months, 200lbs, and acts like he has never seen the light of
day. He was so happy to see me, he was mouthing me all over. My
arms.....my face ...my head...you name it. I had to beg him to get up the
stairs...half way up he put the brakes on and fell down a few. When we
finally got in the door he was breathing like a maniac and the spit had
started to flow....I mean it was really pouring. Every time he exhaled he
shot a glob on the floor. Of course I forgot a rag and of course there
were like only 3 other people there and no other mastiffs ...so I couldn't
even blame it on anyone else. The instructor just looked at me with dread.
I tried to stack him but he saw himself in the mirror and lunged at the
reflection. Then he caught sight of the instructor and she was so close
....he could not resist ......he CLIMBED up the women and gave her the
mouthing...she was covered....I mean she was shiny with spit....I mumbled
something about leaving the rag in the car. The women behind be shot me a
dirty look. Someone slipped in his spit ...I could have died. Then it
happened...I mean it was bound to.....he shook......spit flew.....landed
on a pointer....another dirty look. These people wanted me dead....I saw a
lot of eye rolling. Then the kicker..... I'm running Hunter out to
the car, and my car keys FLY off the ring into the pitch black night. The
class comes out ......sees me searching like a nut...I have to tell them
....uuuummmmmm I lost my car keys. WHAT??? I hear someone say with
exasperation...you did what??? Well by now my tee shirt was starting to
freeze ....... it was soaked with sweat from Hunter dragging me
around......after 45 minutes of praying my butt off I find the keys..... I
wonder if they are looking forward to next week.....
Karin
AKA the girl who can NOT
control her dog
"Happy Hunting"
I took Hunter to his second handling class. I have to say despite a bad
start, he did much better. Anyway he busted in...panting and slobbing.
Just as happy as could be, he dragged me onto the mat. He promptly stood
in puppy pee position and produced a not so puppy sized puddle. I gasped
.....NO Hunter stop!...I tried to drag him outside...but he kept right on
streaming away. The instructor told me ....not to pull him for Christ's
sake..... I was getting pee everywhere. I heard someone sigh. The women
told me to not only clean it, but to take the pee towels WITH ME when I
left....I could almost hear her thinking .....like now would be nice... ok
I said ...as if I'm not embarrassed enough. However I was smarter this
time.. I remembered a rag ...AND.......I invited friends with bad ass dogs
as well......I needed the man power to stifle the snobby little mop dog's
owner. Erica bought her 8 month old monster....who mouthed the instructor
as well....and Lisa brought Sam who yelled at any dog that came in 10 feet
of him. It was interesting to say the least. I also brought Olivia ...who
despite her constant stalking of the mop....was an angel. I heard the
instructor mutter...only civilized one in the bunch..... as she went over
her non spitty face. My grand plan: we will take over the class and have
it all mastiffs...or other drooly types only.....address and times to be
posted at a later date...
Karin
"Lola"
This is my summery for the night: get on computer, pull car keys out of
Lola's mouth, get back on computer, computer gets shut off when Lola
jerks plug from wall, turn comp back on, pull Lola from kitchen
cabinets, put all pots and Tupperware that she was playing with back in
cabinets, yell at her to stop scratching at cabinets, try and answer
mail, tell Lola to stop eating blinds, answer phone, tell person I have
to go as Lola is getting in the tub, remove bar of soap from her mouth,
get back on computer, remove phone from Lola 's mouth, yell at Lola to
stop eating plant.......this no lie, no exaggeration, my life belongs to
Lola and making sure she doesn't kill herself.... off to bed.
"Lola the Cat"
Ok this is as bizarre as it is true.... I got Lola for the weekend shows.
All though she didn't win she kept me
hopping all weekend. Well she did her usual crazy tearing though the
house. She got a bag of cheese doodles from ON TOP of the fridge...yes I
saw it with my own eyes. She was stretching her self...like a cat on a
scratching post.....feet on top of the fridge and reached the
bag...opened already.... she flung them all over so she could share I
guess. Well today I almost DIED. Picture this ...on the way to the show...
in the mini van.. .only has 2 front seats....700 vari kennel in the
back....pushed up against the front seats....facing the sliding door. Livi
the angel is in the vari ...Lola in the far back. she likes to ride with 2
front feet and her head resting on the top of the vari....weird I know.
With about a 1/2 mile to go I could not believe it when see one back foot
and then the other. She CLIMBED on top of the vari and lay on her side
like a cat. There was like....6 inches between her and the top of the car.
She rested her head ON TOP of mine. When I pulled up to the show. The
attendant just looked at me...I said don't ask...I have no reasonable
explanation. She is hands down the weirdest dog I have ever known.
"The Lola Show"
Lola went to the show today and was stalking complete
strangers for food....I mean I could not control her...she was
wild....she went into Lisa Gannon's pockets nosing and pawing until Lisa
screamed at her... and don't you deny it you were mean to poor crazy
Lola. She went into some strangers pockets...I started laughing so hard I
was crying tears........which of course made it worse because I had no
strength to hold her and I did not look ashamed or embarrassed to boot.
She was lunging at people baiting their dogs...I heard someone say she
really should feed that dog before she shows...hahaha I DID feed her
..she just really wants to eat...she doesn't care what it is.....she was
lunging at dust balls for crying out loud. Then she met hunter...all hell
broke loose...crazy meets crazier...the leashes tangled...they were
rolling around acting insane knocking chairs and other object over.
Finally I got them separated...then for the rest of the day as soon as
they made eye contact they would moan and complain...we love each other.
Please let us at each other.... we need each other.....we were
separated at birth for Christ's sake ....have some compassion... being the
good mother I am I let them say their goodbyes...and shoved hunter and
parents out the door. He was very good except for flopping down and
kicking bunch of large framed paintings over...and he grabbed a small
plastic cow statue that was on the ground at a vendor....but other than
that I could not complain.
Karin
"Lola and the Stolen Carrot"
One day I could not find Lola. I counted heads...where the hell is 5. Damn
her I cursed under my breath. Lola ..I yelled.....come on sweetie...I
said though gritted teeth....she came trotting back...muddy ..with a
carrot in her mouth. I could see the looks of envy on the others
faces...ohhhh ...ahhhh....I want a carrot. Mind you, I don't grow
stuff.....she went to my NEIGHBORS yard and dug it up. Oh for crying out
loud. I grabbed it, washed it and went there to give it back.....no ones
gonna call my kid a thief. Well needless to say they took one look at it
and told me to go to hell and to keep the carrot and that damn black dog
out of their garden...and car...and house. This could open a whole new
chapter of Lola stories...."The Russians and their own private hell
called Lola". At least I think they are Russian. All I know is they
yelled at me in some foreign language ..a lot of fist shaking....I did get
a couple of words....hell, get out....you know the basics.
Karin
"Could she be any worse?"
Lola had her first show in months. She was her awful self both in and out
of the ring. Before she went in she climbed on someone's folding chair and
collapsed it. It fell to the ground with a loud bang. I tried to walk her
around because she seemed so "restless". She bee lined to the bone people
and grabbed a rawhide. I couldn't get it out of her mouth. When I
did...the guy made a face....yup had to buy it. Then in the ring..... I
made the awful mistake of trying to showboat. I had her
stacked....standing perfectly...then just as the judge was coming I tried
to show off and make her give some expression. I pulled out a piece of
bait. She sat...she gave me paw...she laid down. I couldn't get her to
stand...I couldn't get her to show bite. The judge was like a hundred
years old. I tried to show the bite myself....he insisted he couldn't see
it. I tried again....twice.. she bucked around...finally.... he gave me
the nod. I ran her around and she WON! So although she embarrassed the
hell out of me....I am still proud of the little brat.
PS...I was informed that she ate two whole pizzas
the night before, and was threatened that I just may get my
dog back....thank God the babysitter was there when I dropped her off. I
handed her the lead and sped off :)
Karin
"You think you have a bad dog?"
Well I thought my nymph was all grown up into a well behave little
lady.........just goes to show me how she can rear her awful head when
ever the mood suits her. Last weekend I had no stories to report because
Lola was absolutely wonderful...slept when my guys slept .........played
well with others.......kept the incessant chirping to a minimum....well
this weekend was a different story from the get go. I picked her up on the
way to the show....with angel Livi sleeping in the crate I put Lola in the
back....five minutes go by and there it is .I see the head ......then the
2 front feet ...then the rear...she is on top of my 700 vari. She then
proceeds to slide on my head and on to the front seat. Ok she squeezes her
fat butt into a ball and sleeps. Way home: Again she tries to ride the top
of the crate (she chirps the whole time she is in the crate...this is why
she was not but this time I left Livi out so she would have some
company...didn't work...... she was back on top...when I turned to pull
over she rolled the whole crate and fell over with it......did not phase
her.....I nearly had a heart attack...she was wagging away. I put
everything back together and gave her a space so she could see me....she
got very quite so I felt for her head......she had the handle of my coach
bag...when I went to get it she flung herself on top and hung on with both
paws...another pull over. We finally get home....I'm on the phone...she
brings me a pot...not a small one but a big sauce pot......again she had
opened the cabinets and took out all the pots and pans.......oh I'm so
glad she went home today : )
Karin
Elsa
"String bean incident"
OK this may be a funny as it was repulsive. I cooked the hounds some
chicken in the pressure cooker and had extra juice with tons a fat in it.
I couldn't figure out what to do with it so of coarse I just threw it in
the toilet. Now mind you it had like one string bean in it and maybe a
small piece of carrot or something. Well I forgot to flush it. I came down
in my sneakers ready to go to the gym...not an easy thing for me early on
a Sunday morning. Elsa has her entire head in the toilet. I screamed HEY,
just what the hell are you doing???...I must have scared the crap out of
her because she flung her head out of the bowl splashing greasy toilet
water EVERYWHERE. She must have been trying to get the one lousy string
bean...her head was wet OVER her eyes. This is the dog that grabs rocks
from the bottom of the lake so I know she was just about ready to climb in
that bowl. Well in my sneakers I slipped, and whacked my head on the towel
bar. Half laughing...half crying... she saw me go down. I think I felt her
before I saw her...coming at me full speed . Her wet greasy face smacked
my head as I had I mild panic attack. I tried to get away but I just kept
slipping in the disgustingly greasy floor. I tried not to laugh as I know
that just makes her more crazy. I finally pushed her off...got up and
tried desperately to clean the bathroom and kitchen floor. I change and
finally leave the house .......all without waking a sleeping Anthony who I
just know will make me bathe her if he knows she came within ten feet of a
toilet. I forgot my gym card...and what do I walk back to??? She PUKES up
about a gallon of that chicken grease water. I am not kidding. Then I see
it...the string bean. She looks at me...looks at the damn bean....and
makes a bee line for it. And as gross as it was I just let her eat it. I
figured she worked for it.
Karin
"I swear she is trying to kill me"
As quickly as I recovered from the string bean incident, I would have to
say Elsa is trying to kill me. I was throwing ball in the yard, talking on
the cordless. I hung up and Elsa was not really chasing the ball anyway,
so I told her to go in. I went up the stairs in front of her, and all of a
sudden, like a killer whale playing with a ball, she hits my ass HARD. And
just like that plastic beach ball, I go flying up the brick stairs face
first. Trying desperately to block my face, I whack myself in the eye with
the phone. Hence a very nice black eye. Then to make it worse this morning
I wake up, have to take a wicked pee, I go into the bathroom. Just as I
sit, I hear something at the door. Like something right out of Jurassic
park, I hear her heavy snuffing at the bottom of the door. Damn, I did not
click the door shut. Thrilled that I am up... in she flies with one of
Anthony’s work boots and cracks me upside the head with it HARD while I'm
trying to take a pee. I swear I nearly fell off the bowel. It leaves a
nice red welt. Now do I really admit these things to people who ask me
what happened, or do I say my boyfriend beats me. I really don't think
people believe me when I tell the truth anyway.....ummm....hi my dog hit
me in the head with a boot??? I mean really....I am staying out of her way
for a while.
Karin and on a mission Elsa
GRETA
"The spaghetti incident"
I just started a new job....I 'm tired ...I'm cranky...I'm easily
annoyed ....I thaw out a huge container of homemade sauce, complete with
meat balls and sausage. I come downstairs to find one mastiff completely
covered with sauce down her front ....AKA the Greta the culprit....and 3
others scrambling around in it, looking for meat balls. The clever one
who started this mess in the first place has her foot on top of the
container as she realizes there is a sausage caught under it. Now she
really looks crazy because the others get the sense that she is hiding
something and ...well they want to see what's under there too. So complete
with a red face and front she is snarling at them to leave her lousy
sausage alone. I try and yell...but I really don't know whether or not to
yell or to cry. The sauce is all over the floor and they are trying to act
happy so I don't kill them. Greta starts dancing around her trapped
sausage...asking me if I would be so kind as to lift the container she has
been kicking all over the place. The other decide to scatter as I turn
into a raving lunatic. They run into my living room leaving huge sauce
prints on the carpet. I run upstairs to get towel but they are trying to
get me un- mad, and follow begging for forgiveness. GET DOWNSTAIRS I
scream. They are unsure what the hell to do and so am I. I shove all four
protesters downstairs to the basement...when I look down there, two are
licking Greta...she doesn't seem to appreciate it ....I can tell she is
still thinking of her trapped sausage. I give her the stupid thing and
shut the door. I proceed to mop and scrub before Anthony gets
home...either way he will make fun of me as I know I will reveal this
mess at a later date...but at least it will be when I actually think its
funny too.
Karin and Greta Spagetta
"The Pizza Boy"
This is pretty funny....I ordered pizza hut delivery and when it came
everyone was waiting by the door...the poor guy took one look dropped the
pizza (and the "hot bag "thingy) and ran away. I kept yelling come back
....its ok. But he left ......hot bag and all. Poor dogs were a little
confused......they didn't even bark at him...so I got a free pie and 'hot
bag". I was going to call them but I didn't want the poor guy to get in
trouble. I figured he told them he was robbed : ) So the dogs all got
pizza for being so scary and getting me free stuff <LOL>
Karin
"The wiggly giggly and other
Holiday Havoc"
I bought the wiggly giggly for the dogs this Christmas.
Well if anyone has it you know it makes these weird laughing sounds. I
took it out and threw it on the floor...they went crazy.....all four tried
to get it at once. Greta kicked it and it went flying...in their midst to
chase it they ran into the tree. My brother was in the right spot and
caught it before it fell. They knocked my poor mom over. My sister
screamed and headed for the couch. I took it and put it in a bag. Elsa
found it in about 2 seconds and was gleefully kicking it around. As soon
as the others heard it the went crazy, and again there was chaos. I put it
in the closet....well she must have waited hours...as soon as someone went
to get their coat.. Elsa knocked them out of the way and dove in to get it
. We put the stupid toy up and now they are only allowed to have it
outside. Not to mention my mom has live footage of Elsa on top of my
sister trying her damndest to get inside her ear...you know the pawing and
smashing the head kind of deal. Then Livi figured out how to flip up the
toilet lid and get a drink....she had to learn that TODAY??? And all I
wanted to do was show my family that I am not really
crazy and mastiffs are so sweet and calm..... Oh well there is always next
year. Although I'm not exactly sure they will agree to have Christmas at
my house again.
Karin
"PIGGY"
I take back every good thing I have said ever said about the pig. She has
been a bloody heathen the past
2 weeks. Now I know that it's me and my house. I just don't know what I am
doing to make my dogs act so
hideous. She started off by eatting the lint roller...no big deal. She now
KNOWS how to open the kitchen cabinets...this is so Lola revisited I am
almost sick about it. She took out a bucket of Oxyclean and flung it all
over herself and the rest of the hounds who were in the kitchen. Then the
foam started ...I guess she got some in her mouth. I should have taped it
for the infomercial. We are moving so we are trying to unload the freezer
and took out 3 frozen meals...chicken parm, spaghetti and meatmalls and
sausage and peppers....enough for a family of 12. She ate ALL of it then
came upstairs and puked it all up. I guess she wanted to share. I heard
Anthony scream in this really pitched voice....very funny coming out of a
6'3 240lb black man.... PIGGYS PUKING BLOOD!!!!... I fly into the kitchen
and almost slid in this huge pile. No blood...it was tomato sauce and the
rest of the mess. Now this dog is not left alone to wander as she please.
She SNEAKS off...very quite and very quickly gets her bad ass into strange
things. Being that it just started, I believe she is acting out b/c of the
new babies. Oh yeah and her latest thing is to take a flying leap from the
middle stairs...I just about lose my mind. I added another throw rug but
she is really trying to put me in an early grave.
karin and a soon to be roast pig
Well we finished moving and are still unpacking, every day I am nothing
short of exhausted. Piggy is nothing
short of awful. I have taken to thinking of her more as a donkey than a
puppy. Ok let me re-phase that....a Jackass is more like it. She is nine
months now...really long, as tall as her mother, and weighs close to
150lbs. When I took her in, I asked the tech to get her foot off the
scale, she calmly replied she wasn't stepping on it. Crap I thought, she
is getting big. And she is just as bad. Every time I look outside, she is
sitting on top of the picnic table. When I tell her to get down, She LAYS
down and just looks at me. She knows dam well what I am saying. While
everyone else is camped out sleeping in the grass, she is dragging a
freaking 2 X 4 threw the yard. She has also taken to bringing things
outside...like my keys ....rolls of tape and what ever else she can get
off the table. She then pins her ears back and races around the yard
clicking up her heals. Just thrilled with herself. I swear I can hear her
baying HEEE HAAAAW at the top of her lungs. Finally Anthony begged for me
to take her someplace. In fact everyone has grown tired of her. Even her
ever patient mother looks at me ...exasperated. I have literally said out
loud...she is YOUR daughter....you do something with her. Poor Bill who is
not too far behind her in size... stands and plants four feet into the
ground when he sees her coming. She gets this naughty look and plows him
every chance she gets. So off we went for groceries. On the way home she
went into the bags and ATE ok..here is the tally: 1/2 lb of ham, 1/2 roast
beef and 1/2 lb of liverwurst. She had just opened the cheese when I
pulled up to the house. I did not hear bags...I did not hear paper. What
am I deaf? My jaw was slack when I found her in the far corner hoarding
her wrappers. There was not a hint of diarrhea that day. When I kissed her
goodnight, she had the nerve to belch in my face. It wreaked of
liverwurst. Today I followed a trail of peppermint patty wrappers...candy
I assume left by the previous home owner. At least her burps might be
nicer tonight.
karin and the hee hawing pigdonkey
How dare I compare....
Good boy Billy has not been crated since he was 7months old.
Pig pen piggy can not be left alone for ten minutes w/o causing havoc.
Good boy Billy lets mommy grind his nails.
Pig pen piggy screams, thrashes, and flings her self
from the couch to the crate as soon as she ~hears~ the grinder.
Good boy Billy drinks from the hose when I fill the bowls.
Pig pen piggy drags the hose around the yard and chews it in half.
If I tell the dogs to ~crate~ Good boy billy
immediately heads for one, even though he doesn't have to.
Pig pen piggy looks at me and runs. If I go toward her, she runs to a
couch, throws
herself on her back and makes these guttural moans. If you go to take her
by the collar, she monkey bites your hand just enough
to pinch you.
Good boy Billy likes to quietly lay on the couch.
Pig pen piggy likes if much better if you are quietly
laying on the couch first.
Good boy Billy always ~makes~ in the dog yard. I have even seen him leave
the
big yard to go ~make~ in the proper spot.
Pig pen piggy always saves just a little pee so she
can ~make~ in the big yard as well as the dog yard.
And finally when the dynamic duo is caught getting into something, Good
boy billy always spits whatever
he has out immediately.....this is especially good when its toilet paper.
He makes a big show of acting
remorseful and will even push the object away with his foot...as if to
say.... oh that..no I was only looking
at it...no really I don't want that awful thing..all the while looking
from me to the object. Pig pen piggy either runs to me to show off what
she has...just so proud that she can now fit 3 rolls of surgical tape in
her mouth....or she just looks up and continues what she is doing as if I
am not even there screaming my head off. And that is my story of Good boy
billy and Pig pen piggy....I wish I could say there was some lesson to be
learned here....like pigs nose fell off because she is so rotten... but
there is not, and sometimes I wonder if she just acts up because she knows
it almost makes me love her more :)
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